Building confidence in yourself can be a huge personal challenge. It's frustrating, demoralizing  and lot of other counterproductive feelings. Sometimes I'll get a student who does amazing scene work, but then look sheepish and defeated, as if he just disappointed everyone. I then point out all of the good things and remind him to "put it in the win column!"
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​Similarly, sometimes I lead a meeting or give a presentation and feel like it didn't go as I expected, even though colleagues are thanking me for a job well done. I say, “I’m glad that’s over,” but what I should be doing is acknowledging all of the positive feedback and saying, “That was a success!” You can’t really build up your confidence – to go from less sure of yourself to more sure of yourself – unless you recognize your successes when you have them.

In public speaking, you can think  “Gulp, everyone is looking at me!” 

​Or, you can think of your center seat at a table, the podium or where ever, as a place of power, of  knowledge and respect. After all, they want something from you. 

​To help reinforce this idea of "owning your space," in my workshops I use a picture of the Chinese dragon, Lung. Lung traditionally symbolizes power and fearlessness. I place it on the floor at the head of the room and ask people to “Step up to the dragon’s perch.” If you think of it as a place of courage and poise,  you will become more confident over time.

​Networking is one of those things that can require a lot of effort, and yet has the potential for a huge payoff. During the New England Museum Association Conference a few weeks ago, I used much of my time looking up attendees, setting up meet and greets and then following through. That meant introducing myself, telling my story, listening and sharing thoughts on the state of the industry.
 
I had to pull out a skill I hadn't used in awhile; a simple blueprint to maximize your impression and what you get out of the conversation: Ask It, Show It, Know It.
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Ask It
It may seem counterintuitive when you are trying to make a solid connection with a potential business partner, but your goal should not be to brag about your resume, but rather to ask questions and soak up as much information as you can. Ask about their work, their strengths, their challenges, their successes, what they do when they are not working, what do you have in common. A natural opening will come soon enough, and then you can tell your story. Really? Yes. Good question.
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​Know It
Learn as much as you can about the person you want to meet. Look online, talk to peers, read their bio in the program. You want to come to the conversation armed with relevant talking points and to demonstrate a competence that will get their attention. Remember, it’s networking so you don’t just want to make a good impression on them, but that they will remember you when talking to their colleagues.
 
"Hey, you know who would be perfect for this job? The woman I met at the conference!"

​Show It.
This is the time to telegraph your passion. Most people who network want to make an industry connection, collaborate, increase their knowledge, find a mentor or a protégé, or simple talk shop. Tell them why you love your job and what personal satisfaction you get out of it. Love your work, your projects, your goals…and let it show.

​So, the next time you are at networking event, or a party, or a conference overwhelmed by how to make first contact with important people – just remember it’s as easy as Ask It, Show It, Know It.

Sometimes it’s important to remind ourselves that effective leadership really is all about people.

I occasionally look back through my archive of communication materials to remind myself of important ideas and interesting observations. I rediscovered this interview with Gary Smith, President and CEO of Ciena, next-gen software and telecomunications company from October 4, 2015 (New York Times).

​Look for how he draws leadership inspiration from his personal life. Experts (like DLM Communications, as a totally random example) can share with you great techniques for effective leadership,  but learning them through your personal experience is often the best way to drive them home, to make them meaningful to you.

In this interview, you can see Smith’s leadership approach evolve from analytical observation to personal connection.

Here is an edited version of that interview…

​Tell me more about your parents. How have they influenced your leadership style?
My father was particularly influential. He never said a bad word about anybody, and I’ve taken some lessons from that. He was always very positive, and he did it naturally. He’s not confrontational at all and will do anything to avoid a confrontation.

My mother was a little more confrontational and very direct when she needed to be. I’ve taken a little bit of both of them, and part of the skill is to know when to pull on the different levers. It’s very situational.
 
What are some other leadership lessons you’ve learned over the years?
Early on in my career, I was told, “It’s all about people.” I got it intellectually, but it took me quite a while to really get it. It really is all about people, and if you get that right, the other stuff will get addressed. But you have to work at it all the time.

Culture takes an awful lot of time and effort, and it can be destroyed very quickly, because it’s built on trust and respect. You’re respecting the individual and what they do, and you’re trusting them, and they’re doing the same for you. That doesn’t happen overnight. It’s like personal relationships.
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How do you hire?
I tend to focus more on whether the person is the right fit for the company. So I’ll ask questions like What do you truly enjoy doing? How can I tell if you’re having a bad day, and how does that manifest itself? What are the things that really irritate you, and what do you do about it? What’s it like to work for you? How do you interact with your peers? What do you do if you don’t agree with the direction of the company?

If you are a leader in a new role, or veteran manager, take a look at role models in your life – what you respect about them, how they deal with people, what they think of you. The lessons you need to elevate your approach to communication leadership are all around us. 

​You may have noticed our new logo. 

​(While you are at it, take a look at our new website and tell us what you think!

We spent a long time trying to figure out the best way to represent our primary mission: to empower individuals to be the best communicators they can be.
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The three ribbons on the left all launch from the same point – you – and expand out. These arrows represent the many choices anyone can make to enhance their communication skills. And we want to enhance our skills because we all know different choices lead to different outcomes.
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Gulp.

As discussed before, Harvard University did a study that found there were two factors that determined what kind of first impression you make on people: competence and warmth. These qualities are on a spectrum from greater to lesser. That means we can choose to more or less warm and more or less competent. It’s up to you. The same goes for being more forgiving or less forgiving, more flexible or less flexible, and any combination of choices that directly effect your fellow humans

When you partner with DLM Communications you are partnering with people who want to help you be your best self, comfortable in your own skin, and give you tools to tell the world what you want to say.

​And the best part is you get to decide how you want to do it.

​We throw around the phrase “active listening” a lot in the business world. It's short hand for concentrating, understanding, responding meaningfully, and then remembering the conversation. That can be a challenge, but for the most part we get it right. But what happens if there is more than one voice? How do you manage the different ideas and unique lines of thought?
 
I sometimes lead an exercise creatively called “story.” Half a dozen participants stand in a line. I point at each of them one at a time and they make up a story, picking up where their colleague left off. Everyone shares the role of the narrator.
 
It’s collective storytelling, which means in order to tell a coherent story there needs to be collective listening. (For some reason the stories almost always involve dogs. I don’t know why. Someone look into that.)
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​There are challenges to this practice though. For example, it can be really tempting to throw in your own twist – or as we call it in the business world, "Hey, look at me!"
 
Once upon a time there was a dog…
 
…that loved running through the forest…
 
…and chasing squirrels…
 
…and then he blew up!

​That non-sequitur is the equivalent of jumping to a new agenda item during a meeting,  or skipping to the exciting reveal of a client pitch. "Story" quickly demonstrates the need for collective active listening, or, “honoring the intention" of who came before you.
 
Where was my colleague going with this? What’s the next obvious thing that needs to be addressed? How can I support that idea. It’s sharing the narrative. It’s sharing the story.
 
Actively tracking each piece of the conversation and being inspired by your team will lead you to a better place. You are literally moving the agenda…pitch…meeting…brainstorming session, in the same direction, with the same intention.

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Introspection and awareness of your personal communication strengths and foibles can be very helpful. Likewise, it can be satisfying to gain insight into how a colleague generally processes information. Defensively, anxiously, or excitedly, for example. You can alter your approach based on their expected reaction.
 
I have taken many such tests over my career and found them fascinating in theory, but cumbersome in practice. There is no denying that improving communication with friends and co-workers can have an empowering and positive effect on relationships. But personality tests, by definition, can create categories that isolate people from one another. They define perceived personal limitations and encourage you to consider how your personality type should interact with the opposing personality type. This approach is often mechanical and belies the natural human desire to find agreement regardless of “type.” As I tell my students when they are looking for a shortcut to success, “I would rather work the skill than find a work-around.”
 
DLM uses group mind and organic communication practices derived from traditional and improvisational theater. This allows one to stay in the moment, to listen, remain positive and find common ground by discovering constructive agreement. It’s experiential, not analytical. ​

We have all heard, “You only get one chance to make a first impression.” Adding an additional word gives you an even greater truth to live by: “You only have one chance to make a memorable first impression.”

This is what should concern you when greeting people you want to impress. This is a rare opportunity to identify yourself as helpful and unique, as someone who will enter their world and leave it better than before. 
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If that sounds overly dramatic, it is. But I would argue only slightly. I consider this approach as the natural outcome of following another wise maxim often attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Leaving a memorable first impression is your chance to establish a higher standard of expectations, hopefully one that will spread from person to person. 

In other words…

“You never get a second chance to make a great first impression. Within a few seconds, with just a glance, people have judged your social and economic level, your level of education, and even your level of success. Within minutes, they've also decided your levels of intelligence, trustworthiness, competence, friendliness and confidence. Although these evaluations happen in an instant, they can last for years: first impressions are often indelible.” 

                                                       ~ Olivia Fox Cabane, author of "The Charisma Myth"


“Image is the way other people see us, it deeply influences the way people react and respond to us.
                                                        ~ Unknown


“Your smile is your logo, your personality is your business card, how you leave others feeling after having an experience with you becomes your trademark.”

                                                         ~ Jay Danzie, motivational speaker


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Some might argue this kind of ignorance does no harm. Like eliminating penmanship from elementary school curriculum. Sad, but come on, is it really important? Humans didn’t know what revolved around what for thousands of years and we got along just fine. 

Of course, they didn’t have GPS, satellites, airplanes, cell phones and weather stations – all things that depend on understanding that fact. If someone didn’t care about the order of the solar system and wasn’t able to effectively communicate it we would be lost and driving around in the rain like a caveman.

Space exploration is an excellent example of a missed opportunity to demonstrate scientific value. It has brought us such a ubiquitous wealth of riches we are hardly aware of the connection between landing on the moon and our daily comforts. Here’s a partial list of new or improved technologies that evolved out of the space program, from the (rare) science section of Business Insider. ​

There are simply too many items to mention, but here and here are other sites that expand on that list. NASA does spend some resources communicating its discoveries and technological progress to the public. That’s because although they could certainly do more, as the list above implies, they understand that being a good scientists doesn't just mean knowing things. It also requires the ability to communicate those things in a way that makes people care.​

This form of unfettered agreement comes with the understanding that you don’t have to like 100% of what the other person says – alas, life is not that harmonious – but you do need to agree 100% that they said something of value and that it adds information to the discussion. In the office, you can’t solve problems if people are constantly undercutting each other’s ideas. On the improv stage, where we make stuff up as we go along, nothing works unless performers agree they are operating in the same reality. If you say it’s a dog and I say it’s a cat, that scene is going nowhere and we will end up fighting over which world we live in.
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Ever fall off a bike?

Often the best way to alter unhelpful behavior is to first recognize the change you want to make, commit to improvement, and then practice the solution until it becomes second nature. Going from ignorance of a problem to unconscious perfection is often referred to as the “Four Stages of Learning.” ​

On the first day we made a recording of her reading from a technical textbook so she could hear what her presentations sounded like. At later sessions we ran exercises that focused on breathing, diction, volume and pace. We regularly replayed the first recording to track her progress.

After our last week of working together she delivered a paper at a science symposium and got glowing reports from colleagues who praised her improvement.

It’s comforting to know that what might seem like an intimidating problem – shuffling your native language around the idiosyncrasies of the English language – can be addressed using the same techniques everyone can benefit from. Did I ever tell you how lucky you are?
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